A Woman On The Verge

thoughts and musings of my mind



Is it any wonder

Do you sometimes think about how your parents raised and truly wonder why you aren’t more messed up?  I do, a lot.

I swear my mother was afraid of everything and everyone.  We never went to downtown Seattle because she was afraid we would get mugged. I always found that logic faulty because she worked in the city and she was never mugged.  When I lived in the University area she refused to come and visit me because of ‘all the traffic’ , honestly we lived in King County there was traffic everywhere. She hated most of my friends and thought they were a bad influence on me. I suspect that is because my friends, as friends do often got me to grow and be more independent. When I was getting ready to leave for college my mom nearly had a toddler style melt down in hopes that I would give up the plan to leave.  Now if she had planned the

English: The top of the Space Needle in Seattl...

meltdown a month or so earlier I might have given up the idea, but don’t have a meltdown the day before I am supposed to leave.

Don’t get me wrong, I loved my mom, but she created a lot of work that I don’t think any child should ever have to do.

Because of the reinforcement of her behavior I have a tendency to be a bit fearful.  I have been known to have panic attacks in the mall parking lot, honestly  I don’t miss shopping at the mall. Online shopping was a godsend for me, no more over-stimulation from all the physical choices in a store.  At work I prefer putting my head down and getting the job done, I am not keen on talking to people.  My boss knows this and she thinks it is amusing. I freely admit I am painfully shy to most people who ask me. I think the worst thing though is that my mom taught me how to be judgmental, and I have been trying to unlearn that skill for ages. Although if you were to ask her about it, she would have denied it was her.

Because I have been working on curbing so many of the habits she taught me I can see how far I have come from that frightened woman who refused to drive more than a few miles to shop, who would do anything to get people to like her, and who would often make caustic remarks without really thinking about what I was saying.  I am by no means complete with this journey, but that is why I write this blog to discuss, discover, and share about my journey to self-realization.

And I continue to ask myself, “is it really any wonder…”




English: Logo for the television show Modern F...

I remember when I took Sociology in high school and we were study the chapter on family structures.  According to that text the most dominate family structure was the Nuclear Family (A mom, A dad, and the kids) then there was the extended family of aunts, uncles, grandparents and cousins. I don’t recall any definition about a family structure of friends and relatives.  Today’s society has reshaped the family structure and the modern family is much more than just the nuclear and extended family anymore…It is the social group that you choose to spend time with.  Plus you have the added change in society with more divorces, more domestic partnerships, and even more children who choose not to marry.  These factors can totally change the dynamic of the family structure, I feel.OURs... to fight for Freedom from Want is a co...

Thanksgiving is always a time when these factors become most clear, since so many people drag themselves across the country to spend three days with people they don’t even like all because “IT IS WHAT YOU DO” because Thanksgiving is about being with family and being thankful.  Then when you return home exhaustion sets in, and you go to work to complain about someone who was annoying the weekend. Although do be honest I don’t get it why do that if you don’t like it?  Not every holiday has to attempt at the being a Norman Rockwell holiday painting.  Frankly I think that is impossible anyway.

In my case it is more about who I choose to spend time with than who I am related to.  Given that I live 3,000 miles away from most of my family I have had to create my family where I live.  I love my family here in North Carolina just as much as I love my dad, step-mom, step siblings, and cousins back in Washington.  I still think that Generation X perhaps created the growth of the Modern Family, so many of us truly believe that life is too short to live in halves and if there are relatives we don’t like to spend time with, well we don’t, some of us even choose to erase their existence from our lives.  I mean why keep in touch with a person who constantly degrading you for your choices in life?  You wouldn’t support a friendship with a non relative for that kind of behavior, so why are siblings any different?  My family here in North Carolina love me, guide me, entertain me and I do the same for them.  I might be more entertaining than I am wise, but it works for us.


I was looking at my pillows today on my bed and realized I really missed my little Quinn.  She passed away three years ago, the day I brought Whiskey Jade home to live with us.  She had been very sick for a while by then so it wasn’t surprising, it was like she had been hanging on until I had a new little one to take care of.  I love Whiskey, he is a great little guy, but he isn’t Quinn.  Quinn was very cuddly and she loved sleeping on the pillows on my bed.  

I got Quinn the first April that I lived in Charlotte. She was my birthday present to myself to help me adjust to the ending of a fairly serious relationship and to celebrate nearly a year in a new place.  Quinn was the only kitten who was really active in the pen and I loved her colouring, it was so distinctive.  She was actually hanging upside down in the crate.  It was love at first sight, she was about 10 weeks old.  I brought her home and we bonded right away.  I still remember the first morning she woke me up hissing at the ceiling fan, which was always on to keep the room cool.  She was trying to jump up and catch it and she was a bit frustrated that she couldn’t reach it.  This was how life began with this little girl.  She loved climbing, one of her favorite places was on top of the doors. I did try to leash train her so that I could take her outside; she had NO interest in that.  She was decidedly an inside momma’s cat, she loved being near me, sleeping on me and purring to her heart’s content. I had to break my no sleeping with the pets rule because she would cry outside my door, it really didn’t take much for me to cave on that rule.  I still smile when I think about the fact that Quinn had to be in contact with me at all times at night, if I moved away from her she would just wiggle closer, she usually slept under the covers too.  I used to have a picture of her under the covers with her head on the pillow, just like a person.  I know during the day she was either sitting on the window sills or she was curled up on a pillow in my room.  My neighbors used to comment about how they thought my kitten, by this time Quinn was 12, had such lovely colouring.  Quinn had been with me through floods, hurricanes and two moves.  So it was hard on me when she got really sick, but I knew she wanted to be with me until the day she died.  But, until today I never really realized how much I missed her sleeping on my pillow.

Valentines Day

My parents are awesome! They have always been there to support us, even if our ideas harebrained.  Like the time I wanted to make a velvet dress for Christmas Dinner and my Step-mom helped me fix my issues.  Being the youngest child of four is rather unique since our family is a blended one, I have three older step siblings – and we actually kind of like each other.  My dad, who I adore, remarried a lovely woman who I really like and who I am very proud to call my mom.  My step mom is crafty like me and very realistic about life. My dad I have spoken about before a bit, he is my dad and while I can’t ask him about car maintenance I can ask him about cooking, wine and beer. Even with the many miles between us we are relatively close, I also make sure to email or call them at least once a week.   For Valentines Day I got a great card from them. Handmade, of course.

It is always nice to know your family loves you.

My Mom

My mom passed away in September, about a week after her 65th birthday.  I haven’t said much about it to people because I haven’t really decided how I should feel about this.  You see I gave up on my mom 15 years ago.  She lived a life in denial about her abusive offspring and she seemed to see negative around her all the time.  It was one reason I had left the state and moved across the country, I needed to get away from the cycle and really become my own person.  I am not saying I didn’t love her, I did and I wanted her to be happy and have the best life possible but do you know how hard it is want that when the person doesn’t really want that in her life?

Today I was reading a blog by Daily Om about Thoughts and there was this part that talked about how your life is made up in reality by your thought patterns, if all you see is the negative then your life will be that and if you want to change your life you need to change your thoughts. It hit me that this was how my mom was and how I could turn out if I don’t remind myself to keep my thoughts positive.  So in 2012 I am going to work more consciously on making my sure my thoughts are positive.  I am not going to worry about the fact that there is bad traffic on the freeway, or that it takes longer than usual to get through the grocery check out, or someone I don’t like is smelly; instead I am going to focus on the fact that I am healthy, that I have a car I can drive around in, and look for the good in others.  I know that the looking for the good in others is the hardest for me, but I have a lot of time to work on that.

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